Forgiveness - Part 3
Making It Practical
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear..." I John 4: 18a (ESV)
Life in Christ is one of abiding in perfect love, which casts out all fear of judgment. Not only do we not have to fear the Judgment of God, but we do not have to fear that of man. However, as I have said in previous posts, we are called to extend the forgiveness to others that we have ourselves received.
In my two previous posts (Forgiveness Part 1 and Forgiveness Part 2), I discussed the requirement to forgive if we are to live in union with Christ and unity with others. I described how forgiveness stops the cycle of vengeance and hostility that divides people and reflects the heart of the triune relationship within the Godhead—Father, Son, and Spirit.
In this post, I want to expand the conversation to include some common misconceptions and share practical tools for developing lifestyles of forgiveness.
1. “I am trying to forgive.”
When I hear this statement, I understand it to mean one of two things. First, it may be camouflage for choosing not to forgive. Rather than openly refusing to forgive another, we can deceive ourselves or delay the action by saying we are “trying.” But trying is not choosing.
Only choosing to forgive is consistent with Jesus’ requirement that we forgive “as” we are forgiven. In other words, the way in which we have been forgiven is the model for how we forgive another. We are forgiven immediately and eternally based on Jesus’ righteousness, not on our entitlement. He promises never to remember it or bring it to recollection.
Our commitment to forgive another should likewise be immediate and permanent, refusing to entertain thoughts about the offense.
That brings me to the second thing often meant by this statement. Someone may feel that they are “trying” to forgive because they still experience recurring memories and/or lingering pain. But just as trying is not choosing, feelings are not truth. They are real, but it takes time for them to get in line with a new way of thinking and living toward someone.
Our bodies and minds retain information that requires time and space to rewire. The longer I have held a memory of an offense, the longer I have had to reinforce that thought and react to it. Choosing to forgive someone doesn’t lead to amnesia or numbness, so we stay with our commitment to forgive and allow space for healing to come.
The test of whether or not we have forgiven
is what we do when feelings come.
If I dwell on the offense, ruminate over it, gossip about it, or imagine revenge, I deepen the root of bitterness and reinforce the bondage to the event. As an old pastor used to say, “You can’t choose whether the bird flies over your head, but you can choose whether you let him make a nest in your hair.”
On the other hand, If I move through the feeling and maintain a fixed gaze on Jesus, who sees the whole picture, I effectively remain in forgiveness, both giving and receiving. I abide in his love, his comfort, and his healing touch. I also become increasingly aware of my need of forgiveness and of Jesus’ suffering to achieve it.
Ultimately, the difference between trying and choosing is our commitment to the way of Jesus. The way of Jesus leads to freedom and healing. And all we must do is give what we’ve received and so participate in this trinitarian act.
2. “They’re gone, but their impact on me isn’t.”
We may become aware that we are carrying an offense down the road or even after the person is out of our life. We notice a habit, pattern, or insecurity and can connect it to a time when it began.
For instance, I was in college when I started to see that my choices in relationships reflected fears and insecurities resulting from my dad leaving our family. I didn’t know that I could change, be healed, and freed until my pastor and spiritual dad taught me to forgive.
I committed to forgive all the memories, whether real or perceived. I walked through forgiveness for all that I knew, and as more memories emerged or new disappointments arose, I stayed in forgiveness, trusting my Heavenly Father to heal me.
My dad never knew I had forgiven him, but he experienced the fruit of it as I became more loving with him in the little time we had together. By the time he was dying of heart failure and he expressed his regrets, I felt no bitterness toward him. Not only did I take no pleasure in his pain, but resentment was replaced with compassion. Though my forgiving him didn’t spare him the pain of his choices, it had spared me a lifetime of delayed healing from them.
It may not be patterns of behavior or fears and insecurities that awaken us to a need to forgive. It may be a response to something we have connected to a particular memory. For instance, my kids asked me years ago why in pictures, I am holding my index finger to my bottom lip. When I saw the pictures, I asked the Lord what was behind that.
A memory came to mind of a caregiver who warned me when I was a child that if I didn’t stop sucking my bottom lip—a form of self-soothing, like thumb-sucking—I would develop a deformed lip that would embarrass me for life. What was intended to motivate me to stop actually ingrained in my nonconscious thoughts a sense of embarrassment and shame.
I thought back to that memory and forgave the person who said it and asked the Lord to replace the lie of shame and hiding with something true. An image of a smile came to me, so I smiled. To this day, I am no longer self-conscious of my lip or my big teeth, and I am grateful for the freedom in an area that may have caused me to hold myself back.
Whenever and however we become aware that we have been hurt, we can use it as an impetus for personal transformation. It starts with forgiveness and culminates in deeper intimacy with Jesus.
3. “They haven’t asked for forgiveness.”
Jesus didn’t condition his commandment to forgive as we’ve been forgiven with the caveat that we do so when asked. No, he said do it.
Think for a minute about Jesus’ heart behind the requirement. He longs for us to acknowledge our forgiveness by giving it to others, and he invites us into participation with the Trinity. He longs for us to be free and healed, and without releasing another for an offense, we cannot be fully restored.
Considering all of this, waiting to be asked puts us at the mercy and in the timing of the other person. If you want to walk the way of Jesus, don’t wait—forgive! If you want freedom and healing—forgive! We don’t have to worry about whether the offense was perceived or real, intended or not. We become free and embrace our freedom from bitterness!
Because forgiving someone is a decision made in our heart before the Lord, we can choose forgiveness without their knowledge. In fact, if the person is still living but we are not in a relationship with them, they may be more harmed than benefited by being approached with our list of grievances.
Without forgiveness, both the victim and the offender remain trapped in a “perverse communion of mutual enmity,” as theologian, Miroslav Volf says. Forgiveness stops the cycle of vengeance and makes space for God’s healing work to begin. Forgiveness doesn’t ignore the wrong or pretend it didn’t happen; rather, it recognizes the offense and chooses to extend grace in the face of it, trusting that God will bring justice in His own time.
Conclusion: How?
A commitment to a lifestyle of forgiveness is the starting place. It is wise to develop community that will not only reinforce the need to forgive but will support us in the process.
It is also wise to recognize the clues that forgiveness is needed. Clues may be:
when I enjoy the suffering or want revenge on someone;
when I am tempted to criticize or tear down the reputation of another;
or when I blame or assign guilt to someone for something done or said.
These clues require practical steps of forgiveness. I will offer a few that I have used:
We may just name the person and the offense to the Lord and commit to forgiving.
Each time the memory comes to mind, replace it with the memory of giving it to Jesus to remedy. Return to a fixed gaze on Jesus.
We may write the person’s name along with a list of all the offenses associated with them.
This is how I processed forgiveness for an individual who repeatedly teased and traumatized me as a child. I read through the list each day in prayer, crossing off what seemed not to matter anymore. Within a few days, the list was down to the most harrowing incident. When I forgave that one, I felt free in my heart. When others mentioned the person, I felt compassion for them and wished them well. I didn’t have interest in engaging with them, but I was free from a need to name them in my story.
We may also need a more in-depth process for someone whose influence has been extensive.
This is what I was sharing last spring when my friend asked that I write about forgiveness. I had been practicing forgiveness for someone who continued to hurt me—even intentionally at times. They seem trapped in their own ways and couldn’t see beyond their need to see their impact on me.
In this case, a dear friend suggested that I write a letter in which I expressed all the hurt about everything regarding this person, including all the raw emotion, and forgive it all. I took several days to do this, and, of course, didn’t send the letter as it would have caused more harm than good to our relationship. But I read the letter out loud as though they were in the room and said out loud that I forgave it all.
I created a moment by the fire pit, prayed with my husband, and put the letter in the fire. This symbolized to me bringing all my pain and sense of entitlement to this person’s love, and putting it in the Refiner’s fire for purification.
Whatever the practical steps, let’s practice forgiveness!
It is as imperative for our mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being as removing the stinger from a bee sting is to our physical well-being.
We have a Savior who so longs for us to live in union with him that he mandates an action that facilitates it. All we must do is obey. And forgive as he does.