Forgiveness - Part 1
Mandating What Mends Us
“…and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors… if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:12, 15b).
Earlier this year, I shared a message on forgiveness, and now seems the right time to explore it in writing because it flows so naturally from previous posts on the topic of peace.
As we’ve been discussing, we have peace with the Father through the finished work of the Son. This peace is more than just forgiveness of sin and restored relationship with God; it’s a steady peace in this life that no one can take from us.
But we don’t get to pick and choose which of Jesus’ teachings we’ll follow, and He makes it clear that there’s a connection between our receiving forgiveness and our willingness to extend it to others. In fact, our resistance to forgive may be one of the greatest barriers to experiencing peace.
While some of us face the challenge of forgiving deeply painful, life-altering hurts, most of us also carry smaller offenses from clashing desires, social media, politics, and assumptions about others’ motives. These issues sit just beneath the surface and spill out in our conversations.
Others of us may justify resentments tied to how we were raised or past hurts from childhood. These things matter, of course, but no matter how deep or lasting the offense, we can’t fully live in the peace of Jesus without obeying His teachings.
Scripture reminds us that transformation happens through the renewing of our minds. But if our thoughts are fixed on what was said or done to us—whether it was real or just perceived—we aren’t being renewed. We must forgive.
Forgiveness isn’t just a command; it’s a divine invitation to reshape our hearts and lives as followers of Jesus. Let’s look at forgiveness as a threefold call: a mandate, a means, and a mending work that restores our relationships with God, within ourselves, and with others.
The Mandate to Forgive
Jesus includes forgiveness in the model of the Lord’s prayer (Matthew 6:12-15) and tells Peter in Matthew 18 that we are to forgive "seventy times seven.” He then illustrates the seriousness of withholding forgiveness in the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant.
In this parable a servant who has been forgiven a massive debt refuses to forgive a minor one owed to him. The consequence of his refusal is severe punishment. Jesus says, “So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart” (Matthew 18:35).
Just as we can’t pick and choose our Scripture, we also cannot read it through the lens of culture. Culturally we are entitled to seek vengeance, retribution, or repayment, but biblically we must turn to the Father to set things right.
These principles are not just apparent in biblical teaching, they are evidenced in Jesus’ life. He is the ultimate example of innocence in the face of unjust suffering and of forgiving those who crucified Him in ignorance (Luke 23:34).
He is also the ultimate example of entrusting his life to the Father, and we can rely on his grace to do the same. When we refuse to be judge, we entrust ourselves to the ultimate Judge and are freed from the grip of bitterness. But we can’t do this alone.
The Means to Forgive
Jesus’ calls us to forgive and provides the means to do it. We first receive of the Father through the blood of Jesus and are likewise supplied with the measure of grace we extend to others. If we withhold, we may not know the extent to which we have received. But when we accept that we have been lavished with grace, we are aware we have ample to give.
The forgiveness we receive is meant to reshape us. James K. A. Smith, in Desiring the Kingdom, writes that forgiveness meets our brokenness with grace, empowering us to reorder our desires. When we forgive, we allow God to reshape our hearts, shifting our focus from resentment to the freedom found in Christ. Through daily acts of forgiveness, we are continually formed into Jesus' likeness, releasing others from their debts just as we have been released from ours.
Yet, we acknowledge that sometimes forgiveness feels nearly impossible. Our desires for justice, for recognition of wrongs, or even for vengeance, can make it difficult to let go. We have a sort of spiritual amnesia that causes us, in the words of author and theologian Miroslav Volf, to “exclude the enemy from the community of humans even as I exclude myself from the community of sinners.”
As we return to a posture of humility, recognizing our shared humanity, we can surrender to the work of the Spirit, accepting that we are all capable of great sin and all equally dependent on the finished work of Jesus Christ for forgiveness of sin. As we extend to others the forgiveness we have received, we become participants in God’s redemptive work.
The Mending Work of Forgiveness
The redemptive work through forgiveness heals our relationships with God, within ourselves, and with others. First, forgiveness affects our relationship with God. As Jesus said, he will forgive us as we forgive others.
Second, forgiveness mends our own hearts. When we let go of offenses, we find release from bitterness and resentment, which can be likened to a poison we drink, hoping it will harm the other person. The poison not only affects us emotionally but takes a toll on our mental and physical well-being.
Third, forgiveness fosters peace in our relationships. By forgiving, we no longer judge, blame, or spread stories about our grievances, but instead, we root ourselves in love. In community, forgiveness powerfully protects unity, allowing love to prevail over division.
Not only does forgiveness mend relationships, but it can also remedy habits and patterns that shape as a result of offense. For instance, desire for vengeance that drives bitter talk and harsh actions falls to the wayside like a sword in battle. For example, when I forgive the mistreatment and shaming actions of another, the venomous words that have been flying out of my mouth can be replaced with hope for their wellbeing. I leave to God any concern about evil intent or unjust actions on the part of the other.
A visceral reaction to harm caused can also be transformed. For example, I discovered that my anxiety around dental work as an adult traced back to a childhood experience where I was held underwater. When I focused on forgiving the person involved, I felt the weight of fear and resentment lift. The freedom I gained from that fear was truly liberating—especially in the recent years of mask-wearing!
Forgiveness requires intentionality and the grace of our heavenly Father. Sometimes, it also calls for the wisdom of trusted counsel and the support of a community (a topic I’ll explore more in upcoming posts). While forgiveness begins with a choice, we may need to make that choice repeatedly. My spiritual father once shared a helpful picture: forgiveness is like peeling an onion. Each time a memory or pain resurfaces, we forgive again, shedding one layer at a time. Through it all, our hearts stay oriented toward forgiveness, and our gaze remains fixed on Jesus (Hebrews 12:1).
In Closing: Forgiveness and Reconciliation
I’m frequently asked whether forgiveness means we have to be reconciled. The answer is yes, but reconciliation doesn’t always mean restoration of the relationship. For example, when a married couple engages in the deep work to forgive, heal, and rebuild trust after an affair, they also must forgive the outsider. In most cases, distance from the outsider is critical to healing.
Consider the call to live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:18). The phrase translated “live at peace” is the Greek word, eirēneúō, meaning “living in God’s wholeness and integrity.” We can live in God’s integrity by forgiving in our heart before the God who knows our heart. In so doing, we are reconciled to God and at peace with him, which is distinct from relational interaction with another.
Reconciliation does not require spending time with and befriending another, and neither does it require the response of another. This is exemplified in the life of Jesus who allowed himself to be rejected and misunderstood. Love requires only an object of its action, not a response to it.
Let us boldly commit to what the late theologian and pastor Timothy Keller calls a lifestyle of *perpetual, habitual forgiveness.* Our unity and witness as the Church depend on it.