Why the People Who Annoy You Most Might Be Your Greatest Teachers

"Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye but fail to notice the plank in your own?" -Matthew 7:3

Jesus is not just correcting behavior here. He is addressing vision.

Most of us assume judgment is a morality problem—that we are being too critical or too quick to speak. But there is often something deeper happening.

The traits that irritate us most in others tend to connect to something unsettled in us.

If I carry insecurity about my own discipline, I will be especially critical of someone else's lack of it.

If I hold shame around my emotional struggles, I will find myself impatient when someone else falls apart.

The intensity of the reaction is usually the clue.

Christian spirituality has long recognized this pattern. When the heart is not settled in mercy, it seeks security through comparison.

We lift ourselves up by lowering others.

The response feels completely justified. That's what makes the plank so hard to see.

I learned this the hard way. There was a season when I was harder on someone in my influence than the situation called for. Above me, a difficult leader was applying pressure I hadn't fully processed. I didn't realize I was passing it down until the Spirit asked me a question I didn't want to answer: Why does this bother you so deeply? What I found wasn't pretty — but it was the beginning of freedom. The criticism I was directing outward was fear I hadn't yet brought to God.

When the heart is not settled in mercy, it seeks security through comparison.

At the root of judgment is insecurity. When I am unsure of my standing, I measure.

When I am unsure of being loved, I compare.

When I am unsure of my own righteousness, I find myself quietly evaluating yours.

The gospel interrupts this pattern. The one who knows she stands by grace doesn't need to elevate herself through criticism.

Grace received becomes grace extended.

Jesus doesn't say to ignore the speck. He says to remove the plank first.

Confession precedes correction. Mercy precedes discernment.

If you find yourself strongly reactive to a particular trait in someone else—if the response feels bigger than the moment warrants—it's worth pausing to ask:

What is this revealing in me?

This is not shame or navel-gazing. It's invitation.

The Spirit often uses irritation as a flashlight, pointing to the place where grace still wants to do its work.

The more secure we are in Christ, the softer our perception becomes.

Not because we stop caring—but because we're no longer managing our own unhealed places by cataloguing someone else's.

I'll be sharing more in the coming weeks about what it looks like to live from secure identity—how it reshapes the way we relate to others, and to ourselves.

If this reflection resonates, stay connected here for more.